Don't be confused by the title of this article. This is not an anti-drug PSA. However, if you are ever offered drugs and you don't want them, please follow the advice of that anthropomorphic dog in a trench coat and stand your ground. This shouldn't just apply to drugs, this should apply to any and all things. And that's what this article is about: I have a beef with you society! You can't just say "No!" when you really want to, and it's annoying the hell out of me.
Remember when your mom would say things like, "Would you jump off a bridge just because all of your friends were doing it?" Despite your mom's questionable fashion choices (jeans with two-foot long zippers, fanny packs, denim jackets with Looney Tunes characters embroidered on them), she really did know what she was talking about a lot of the time. In the instance of the 'jump off a bridge' scenario, she was trying to tell you to do what you want to do, not crumble to peer pressure. She tried to illustrate her point with a cliched hypothetical situation, because she couldn't just come out and tell you to stand up for yourself and your choices; she knew you wouldn't listen, because you're just like your father, you little bastard!
I'm not sure where the problem started for most of us, but somewhere along the route from childhood to adulthood we lost the ability to turn people down. Perhaps it all started because so many parents have a habit of saying "Maybe" or "I'll think about it" when they want to say "No." Examples: "Can we go to Disney World, Dad?" asks a doe-eyed little girl with a Kool-Aid mustache. "Maybe." says her father. "Could you please put on pants when my friends come over?" asks a dead-eyed teenage girl with a little bit of a real mustache. "I'll think about it." says her father. In both scenarios, the father wanted to to flat out deny both of these requests, because he can't afford Disney World, and because he's an American and has the right to not wear pants, dammit. But in both scenarios he gave a 'not yes or no' answer because he didn't want to deal with a daughter who just had her hopes stomped on.
And this is bullshit.
Just say "NO!" Practice saying it into a mirror, or pull a Principal Skinner and see how many times you can say "No" in an hour, then try to break that record in the next hour. I'm a father, and I am sometimes guilty of repressing my true negative answers, which makes me angry at myself later. The older I get, though, the easier I find it to stomp on the hopes of my precious little girls. But society as a whole seems to have a problem with this, and thus, my beef.
I've been doing improvised comedy on stage for over nine years. I'm a member of an award-winning improv troupe. (I'm not boasting. Like Babe Ruth said, "It's not bragging if you can really do it." I think it was Babe Ruth. Maybe it was David Blaine. Who cares?) In the nine years I've been doing this I've had amazing shows, mediocre shows, and downright horrible shows. I'm confident in my abilities, and my group almost always gets a great turnout for our performances. What I don't need is somebody bullshitting me to bolster my ego. So many times I've told a person about an upcoming show. So many times the person's response was something like, "Yeah dude! I'll definitely be there!" In more recent times they even go so far as to RSVP for the event on facebook. Yet when it's the night of the show, the person that would totally definitely be there is nowhere to be seen.
So either the person was abducted by aliens, government agents, or aliens working for the government, or maybe they were blowing the proverbial smoke up my proverbial ass. I'm guessing the reality involves smoke and my butthole. I prefer the truth, even when the answer is no. Especially when the answer is no! If you told me that you weren't going to attend the show and then showed up, that would be a pleasant surprise. But the other way around just makes me think you're an asshole who is afraid to be honest, because you are. I don't need you to lie to me, because I know that not every person is going to want to go to every comedy show I ever do. I don't need a false sense of security leading up to the show, because I know I'll have a decent crowd, and even if I don't, I'll make the best of it and put on a good act for those who did come out to see me. Just say "NO!"
I recently started a job (don't laugh, I really got a job) working for an electricity supplier. Basically, I go door to door offering residential customers or business owners an opportunity to save money with a lower rate for their electric bill. The problem with a job is that not a lot of people are interesting in listening. I have to deal with doors getting slammed in my face, people telling me they're satisfied with paying their current (higher) rate even though that doesn't make sense, and weirdos pretending they're not home while peeping out their windows in plain sight. And you know what? I have no problem with any of that, because at least those potential customers are letting me know that they don't want what I'm offering.
What I do have a problem with is a situation like I've experienced with a few local business owners. They tell me that they're interested, but they can't talk at the moment because they're busy. They tell me that I should come back around four o'clock, and that they should be free to talk for a few minutes then. I write the name of the business in my book, make it a point to return at 4:00, and find the place locked up and deserted.
Why? WHY?? Why would you do that to somebody? Because you're afraid to say "No" to somebody that you have to look in the eyes? That's pathetic and weak. If you're not interested, tell me to take a hike. Tell me to leave or you'll release the hounds. Pull a page out of a Kurt Vonnegut book and tell me to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. But don't tell me to come back and talk to you when you have absolutely no intention of actually speaking with me. You're wasting my time and ruining any chance that I might come back sometime and spend money at your establishment. Yes, I eat at restaurants and buy products at stores in which the owners turned me down, because at the end of the day it's the customers' right to choose who they want as their supplier. I understand that, and I'm fine with it. But I won't support a jackass who can't say what they want to say, and instead makes me come all the way back to their business for no reason other than to mumble to myself and cross their name off my list. Just say "NO!"
Do me a solid. If I know you and ask for a favor at some point in the future, say "No." Definitely say it if you can't or don't want to oblige me, but even if you can help me, say "No." anyway. That way, you're free from any obligation, but if you do actually want to help me out, you can tell me you were 'just joshing'. After I punch you in the gut for saying "just joshing" you can choose to still do me the favor, or you can retract your josh-no and replace it with a real-no. But whether I'm asking if you'd like to see some live improv, sign up with a new energy supplier, or help me steal diamonds because I built a time machine that runs on diamonds, don't feel like you have to give me a positive response. It's your right as a human to turn me down. Just say "NO!"
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