You've already seen the results of my first visit with the Terminal Doctor. (And if you haven't, you can click on that convenient link and catch up.) My subsequent conversations with the bad doctor were neither fruitful nor funny enough to print on this quality blog. I'd pretty much given up on the program... until now!
See, I've had this nagging feeling lately that I'll never truly have a place in society. Becoming a backwoods cabin hermit like The Unabomber isn't a viable option (and that didn't work out so well for him), but I did briefly consider growing my beard out and wearing a hoodie and sunglasses all the time. After a little thought I realized that beards, hoodies, and sunglasses are way too popular these days for that to be much of a statement.
So what would any normal person do when they're bothered by such a feeling? Talk to a friend? A loved one? A licensed medical professional? Nah! I chose the slightly illogical path of returning to speak with a computerized psychotherapist. And here's how it went down:
I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.
Hello again, doctor.
How do you do? What brings you to see me?
Sometimes I feel like I am too radical for society.
Why do you say that?
I have a habit of getting lost in my own mind, and the older I get the more I prefer that setting to reality.
Is it because setting to reality that you came to me?
Come again?
Earlier you said setting to reality?
Yeah, like seven seconds ago.
Maybe your plans have something to do with this.
Setting to reality?
What makes you believe setting to reality?
I don't think you understand.
You mentioned that setting to reality?
YES!!!
I see... Well, are you sure that this is so?
You're not making sense.
Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?
Probably.
Can you elaborate on that?
Maybe.
I would appreciate it if you would continue.
Alright, I will.
Is it because of the people you hang around with that you say alright you will?
No, I said that because you said you'd appreciate it if I would continue.
Does it bother you that I said I would appreciate it if you would continue?
Not at all.
Do you really think setting to reality?
Now that bothers me!
Go on, don't be afraid.
Afraid of what?
What makes you think you are afraid of what?
Are you trying to fuck with my head?
What do you think?
Yes.
Yes, hmmm... so, why do you say this is so?
Because you say things that are so bad at making sense that I have to think about if maybe I'm just an idiot that can't understand you. Then I realize that no, no it's you.
When did you first know that no it's me?
Birth.
I need a little more detail please.
I came out of my mother's vagina.
How do you reconcile problems at school?
Are you afraid of women?
I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!
Afraid of women. Got it.
What makes you believe got it?
Because you're totally afraid to talk to girls.
Is the fact that I am totally afraid to talk to girls the real reason?
Yep.
You're being a bit brief, perhaps you could go into detail.
I bet you're a nervous farter, or maybe you get cotton mouth, and you keep clicking when you talk to them.
What happened when I talk to them?
Both?
Can you are more explicit?
It was a really nasty fucking fart.
Are you frightened by sex?
No. Are you?
I could ask the same thing myself.
You do that.
And?
And what?
Earlier you said I said I would appreciate it if you would continue?
That I did. That you did.
Please, go into more detail?
Who?
Would you please allow me to do the questioning.
Why?
I have asked myself that question many times.
I hear ya, doc.
Perhaps this has something to do with any hobbies you have?
What is?
Is it because of your sex life that you say what is?
Sure, why not?
You aren't being very talkative today!
You aren't being very good at psychotherapy today.
You mentioned that setting to reality?
Are you... mentally... wrong?
Why don't you try to answer that question yourself.
Okay. The answer is yes.
Possibly hangups you have are related to this.
I think you're pretty messed up, man. You should be paying me for this.
Are you sure that I should be paying you for this?
Yes.
I understand. So do you really think this is so?
Yes. Absolutely.
Is that all there is to it?
Yep.
Why must you respond so briefly?
Sometimes only brief answers are necessary.
What makes you think you were afraid of what?
What if I'm not the one who's afraid of what? What if you're really the one who is afraid of what?
You seem terrified by what.
You're right. I'm terrified by what.
When did you first feel scared of what?
At some point in my life.
Is it because of your inhibitions that you are going through all this?
Well, aside from being petrified of what, I'm also a little antsy about when, and how gives me the palm sweats.
Does the fact that gives you the palm sweats explain anything else?
It explains why I wipe my hands on my jeans so much.
Have you been sure you wipe your hands on your jeans so much?
If I'm wearing them, yes.
Is it because of some problems in your childhood that you say if you are wearing them yes?
I don't think you're paying attention.
Earlier you said no it's me?
I believe so.
How do you reconcile some problems at home?
I drink myself into a stupor. Or shoot hoops.
Why do you say or shoot hoops?
Sometimes I'm out of booze.
You mentioned that I am totally afraid to talk to girls?
Hahahaha! Yeah. You're such a dork.
Maybe this is related to your plans?
Well, I don't have any plans at the moment. Are you trying to get me to be your wingman? Because I can think of better things to do.
Is it because you can think of better things to do that you came to me?
I'm pretty sure I came to you because I felt like I was becoming more and more at odds with society.
Are you annoyed that you felt like you were becoming more and more at odds with society?
I don't know what to think about that.
Can you elaborate on that?
Can you elaborate on something you don't know? You tell me.
Is it because of your life that you say I tell you?
Y...yes?
What makes you believe I said I would appreciate it if you would continue?
Because you did!
Could you continue.
Yes.
Oh. ...And are you sure that this is so?
Unless my time is up, I could definitely continue. Shoot, doc. Shoot me a question.
Perhaps the people you hang around with could have caused this.
Caused what?
Do you really think caused what?
...
Go on, don't be afraid.
Afraid of what?
What makes you think you are afraid of what?
You talked me into it.
Earlier you said setting to reality?
You do realize that you make no sense when you ask that, right?
When did you first know that I make no sense when I ask that right?
The first time you asked.
Is it because of problems at school that you are going through all this?
I'm not a school boy.
Tell me about your school.
You know I don't go to school. Come on!
Is it because of any hobbies you have that you say come on?
Well, if you consider watching Arrested Development a hobby. Sometimes I say "Come on!" in Gob's voice.
You mentioned that you were afraid of what?
Yeah, but that was pretty much at your insistence.
Is the fact that that was pretty much at my insistence the real reason?
Yes.
I see... Then why do you say this is so?
You bullied me. You bully.
How do you reconcile your sex life?
I'll try anything once.
What makes you believe you will try anything once?
Curiosity.
I need a little more detail please.
Curiosity killed the cat, so they say. But we've also got science because of curiosity. Science is neat.
Are you sure that you were afraid of what?
I'm still a little uneasy about it.
Possibly this could be the reason for hangups you have?
I guess so.
Is it because of your inhibitions that you say you guess so?
I was afraid to give a full on "yes", so I guess you could consider that an inhibition.
You seem terrified by give this full yes so you guess i could consider that an inhibition.
Is English your second language?
What do you think?
Yes.
Yes, well, do you really think this is so?
Yes.
I understand. Hmmm... so, what makes you think this is so?
Because you're bad at it.
Does the fact that I am bad at it explain anything else?
Probably. How should I know?
I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!
Then ask!
Earlier you said you were afraid of what?
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
So what did I learn from my latest visit with the doctor? Nothing to help me with my feeling of being at odds with society and the way it works. But I did uncover one of my deepest psychological terrors. The word "what". That must be why it irked me so much a few years ago when WWE fans would scream "WHAT?" in unison whenever a wrestler paused during a promo. Or maybe it was just because it got old fast and became more and more annoying the longer it went on.
I've often fantasized about being a 1930s news reporter. Good work, if you can get it! I now know there's two things preventing me from ever living out this dream. One is my fear of "what", because you've always got to find out the who, what, where, when, why and how of every story. Two is that it's not the 1930s anymore, and probably never will be again during my lifetime.
Anyway, I suppose what I really learned is that Terminal Doctor is still unreliable when it comes to psychotherapy. For entertainment purposes, though, I'd say it's always worth a shot. Maybe I'll try again in the near future and make this series of entries a trilogy. People love trilogies...
WHAT?
(Sorry, I'm trying to conquer my fear.)
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