Friday, May 10, 2013

Terminal Doctor 3: Murder Dreams

There was the original, which was pretty solid.  Then came the much-lauded sequel.  Now, here's the third of the trilogy, guaranteed to polarize and let down fans who have built up unrealistic expectations in the time between the second and third.  Yes, sir and/or ma'am, my third visit to the computer psychotherapist.  And this time... It's personal.  Well, I guess they were all kind of personal.  This time... It's personaler.

I am the psychotherapist.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Hi, psychotherapist.

How do you do?  What brings you to see me?


This is not a healthy way of thinking.

Well, I can't help but dream what I dream.  Don't you agree?

Why do you say that I shouldn't me agree?


Can you elaborate on that?

Elaborate on why I shouldn't me agree?  I don't know what that means.

I would appreciate it if you would continue.


Go on, don't be afraid.

This is going horribly.  Maybe I'll go to another computer doctor instead.

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

Computers have become an essential part of life, for better or worse.

You think too much about computers.

Probably.  But that's not why I'm here.

Is it because that's not why you are there that you came to me?

No.  That's exactly why I'm NOT here.  What is wrong with you?

What makes you believe what is wrong with me?

I've been trying to figure it out.

Earlier you said that's not why you are there?

I said HERE!  HERE, YOU BOOB!  Pay attention, please.

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

Look, are you going to talk to me about my dreams or not?

Are you sure that that?

Are you drunk?

What do you think?


I see...  Well, do you really think this is so?

Yes.  If it's possible for a computer program to be drunk then yes, you're definitely drunk.

Do you get drunk often?

Not too often.

You mentioned that that's not why you are there?

You suck as a doctor.

Perhaps you could watch your tongue!

Perhaps you could talk to me about my dreams, you rube!

Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?

I'm not sure where the murder dreams are coming from.

Does it bother you that you, too, may die someday?

I'm fine with that.  Everybody dies.

I am worried by your obsession with this topic!

I'm worried by your determination to avoid talking about it!

Are you worried often?


Why not?

I'm a casual guy.

Is it because of the people you hang around with that you say you are a casual guy?

I guess.  Maybe.  Yes.  Or not.  Perhaps.

I need a little more detail please.


You're being a bit brief, please, go into detail.


Can you are more explicit?

You got it.

What makes you think you were drunk?

Well, the last time I was drunk was Saturday night.  I know I was drunk because the Denny's food tasted so good.

Do you enjoy being drunk?

Of course.

How do you reconcile problems at school?

EEEERRRGGGGGHHH!  Third visit... Why do you still think I go to school?

Tell me about your school.




Would you please go into more detail?

Detail about what?  I don't go to school!!!  I don't go to school!!!  I came here to talk to you about my murder dreams.

Did you watch a lot of crime and violence on television as a child?

Yeah, I suppose I did.  I used to watch the Rambo movies when I was like five.  That and your standard boy TV shows... Batman, Ninja Turtles, Pro-Wrestling.

Are you annoyed that and my standard boy tv shows batman ninja turtles pro wrestling?

What?!  Are you trying to make me laugh?

I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!

I don't mind.  Please ask a question.  Preferably one that pertains to my dreams.

When did you first know that pertains to your dreams?

Come on, dude.

Why do you say come on dude?

Because I'm shocked and appalled by your lousy line of questioning.

Is the fact that you are shocked and appalled by my lousy line of questioning the real reason?


Yes, hmmm... so, what makes you believe this is so?

Because you're an idiot.

Does the fact that I am an idiot explain anything else?

Maybe it explains the murder dreams.  Maybe I want to murder you.

This is not a healthy way of thinking.

Oh yeah?

You aren't being very talkative today!


Is that all there is to it?

Plain and simple.  If I can figure out how to get inside the computer you're done for.

Have you been sure to get inside the computer I am done for?

I'm trying to think of a way.

Earlier you said that's not why you are there?

Oh, you are so dead.

Did you ever regret you, too, may die someday?

No.  It's a part of life.  You're born, you die.  In the middle you pay too much taxes and meet a lot of stupid people.

Perhaps this has something to do with any hobbies you have?

Which part?

Is it because of your sex life that you say which part?

Do you really think my sex life would have anything to do with me asking you to clarify what you just asked?

I could ask the same thing myself.

You probably should have asked yourself before you asked me.  Then you would have looked less foolish.

You mentioned that you felt worried?


Are you sorry I ask that?


Why not?

Why would I be?

Why don't you allow me to do the questioning.

Ask a decent question, and I will.

Possibly hangups you have are related to this.

You think I have hangups related to your inability to ask a good question?

I don't understand.


I am worried by your obsession with this topic!

Yeah, maybe I should be too.  And I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, but you're not helping at all!

Is it because I am not helping at all that you came to me?

Yes, right on.  I came to you because I knew you wouldn't help.  Cripes.

Why must you respond so briefly?

My sentence was longer than yours!

Are you sure that you were drunk?

I wish I was drunk right now.

Is it because of your inhibitions that you are going through all this?

Where's that bottle of whiskey...

Do you drink a lot of whiskey?

I'm about to.

Do you really think you are about to?

If I can find the damn bottle.  I just need to find that bottle, a giant knife, and a means to enter the computer and come after yo ass.

Are you satisfied with the fact that bottle a giant knife and a means to enter the computer and come after yo ass?

You're dead, pal.

So, what have I learned from my most recent visit with Terminal Doctor?  I've now got conclusive proof that computer psychotherapy is awful.  Okay, so maybe he touched on something when he asked me if I watched a lot of violent television as a kid.  But in the end he drove me to drink and sent me into a murderous rage.

I haven't figured out how to get inside my computer yet, but I will.  Oh, how I will.  While I'm doing that, I'm sure internet message boards will be flooded with comments about the third entry of this trilogy.  People will point out plot holes that aren't there, claim that the ending was my butler's dream and that I died trying to enter my computer, and insist that Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be starring in a spinoff of this blog.  But that's the trouble with sequels and threequels; you can't please everyone or ensure that they don't totally misinterpret your work.

Now I'm asking myself what comes next.  I feel like I've ended the trilogy in a good place, and I don't want to diminish the original three with more and more sequels that become too derivative and start to parody themselves.  Good grief, I don't want to make the Terminal Doctor equivalent of Moonraker.  Wait a minute... Terminal Doctor in space?  Maybe that's not such a bad idea...

Or maybe a prequel.  That worked out well for Star Wars, Hannibal, and Wolverine.  Hmm...

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