Anyway, as always, it is still my goal to deliver some reading material to you. I wouldn't want to deprive anybody of something to distract them from their office work, read on their fancy internet phones on the bus, or check out on the web browser on their Playstations. Seriously, when I viewed the statistics for the blog, I noticed somebody read this on a Playstation 3. I'm flattered, and I'm glad that they did, but I'm surprised by that; don't you have any games for that thing, guy?
Anyway (yes, I'm starting another paragraph with "Anyway" because I still haven't gotten to the point, somehow), in order to achieve my goal of entertaining the handfuls of people that check out the blog each week, I've decided to type some of my more random thoughts that wouldn't constitute a whole post but may (or may not) be interesting. And away we go!
Spiders Are Assholes
A few years back I was living in a second-floor apartment. Spiders liked to make their webs on the outside of the kitchen windows. I was fine with that, since spiders kill bugs and they were outside where they couldn't give me the willies. But a lot of the spiders were assholes. If they saw me looking through the glass at them as they shot webbing out of their butts, they'd freak out and try to assault me through the window. First off, I think it's stupid to attack something that's like two thousand times your size. Second, I wasn't doing anything but watching, dude! Why you gotta be an asshole? I don't understand why a creature with such a life would be an asshole. If you're a spider you've got it pretty sweet. Sure, it's probably hard work to build your home, but then food literally flies right into your domicile. If I could build a house and then have pizzas just fly into it, I wouldn't be an asshole.
The Math
I hate the phrase "You do the math." You do the math, motherfucker! I don't like math. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I was lied to by my 'educators', but come on, where do they get off telling me that I'd use Algebra, Trigonometry, and Pre-Calculus every day of my life? You know how many times I've used that shit since I graduated? Zero. None. None times. And I swear if you set five or six math majors at a table in a restaurant, the end of the meal would be the same way as it is for all of us. "How much of a tip do I put in?" "Are we doing this evenly or based on what we ordered?" "Who ordered the gravy fries?" "Jerry, did you get a soda or a water?" "I only have a debit card, so can someone throw in my tip and I'll put their meal on my card. Wait, the meal costs more than the tip... HOW MUCH OF A TIP DO I PUT IN?!" Every damn time.
Dragons
I bet life would be a lot different if there were dragons. Not Komodo dragons, but like big, fire-breathing bastards. There'd be no malls or giant Walmarts. It would be stupid for us, being their food, to all gather in one place like that. We'd probably all live in caves or underground houses. Perhaps the dragons would be the dominant species.
Eh... Who am I trying to kid? Man always finds a way to prevail. Man always finds a way to overcome whatever nature throws at him so he can chop nature down and pollute the shit out of it. The dragons would probably die after munching on some animals that were fed with Monsanto crops.
McWhat
Speaking of the disgusting, horrifying garbage that we eat... The other day at work Hamza, the dock lead, said that he doesn't like eating at McDonald's because the beef doesn't taste like beef. "What am I eating?" he said to himself whenever he last ate Micky D's (that's hip slang for McDonald's). My reply was that the hamburger patties at McDonald's are probably just corn syrup and salt. Is that a step up or a step down from the wood pulp they serve at Taco Bell?
I wonder why we've turned into a nation of obese schlubs suffering from heart disease and diabetes. I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I'll think about it while I'm getting for work. And hopefully when I walk out the front door I won't get a spiderweb stuck to my head. For some reason spiders think it's a swell idea to always start building a web right where giants frequently pass through. Assholes.
Dragons
I bet life would be a lot different if there were dragons. Not Komodo dragons, but like big, fire-breathing bastards. There'd be no malls or giant Walmarts. It would be stupid for us, being their food, to all gather in one place like that. We'd probably all live in caves or underground houses. Perhaps the dragons would be the dominant species.
Eh... Who am I trying to kid? Man always finds a way to prevail. Man always finds a way to overcome whatever nature throws at him so he can chop nature down and pollute the shit out of it. The dragons would probably die after munching on some animals that were fed with Monsanto crops.
McWhat
Speaking of the disgusting, horrifying garbage that we eat... The other day at work Hamza, the dock lead, said that he doesn't like eating at McDonald's because the beef doesn't taste like beef. "What am I eating?" he said to himself whenever he last ate Micky D's (that's hip slang for McDonald's). My reply was that the hamburger patties at McDonald's are probably just corn syrup and salt. Is that a step up or a step down from the wood pulp they serve at Taco Bell?
I wonder why we've turned into a nation of obese schlubs suffering from heart disease and diabetes. I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I'll think about it while I'm getting for work. And hopefully when I walk out the front door I won't get a spiderweb stuck to my head. For some reason spiders think it's a swell idea to always start building a web right where giants frequently pass through. Assholes.
No comments:
Post a Comment