Terminal Doctor: The Beginning

The first, second, and third post in which I spoke with the computer psychotherapist formed a sort-of-trilogy.  Now, if I were a Hollywood executive type, and I had a successful trilogy but didn't know where to go from there, obviously I would do a dashed-off prequel as a quick moneygrab.  So today I present the prequel to the Terminal Doctor series.

Unlike a Hollywood prequel, you won't have to try and suspend disbelief as a bunch of actors who are clearly way older than they were in the first one pretend that they're younger than they were in the first one.  I am a few months older than I was when I began my sessions with the doc, but I'm not even in the prequel.  And unlike a prequel where the writers have to try to come up with a satisfying story that has to end a certain way to make it fit in with where the first one begins, this goes in a surprising direction.  This becomes more than just the story of two men working together to test out computer psychotherapy.  It becomes the story of a dream.  Also, it becomes the story of an alcoholic.  And the story of a secretary with a troublesome sex life.  Keep reading, if you can handle it...


*TEST 1*

I am the psychotherapist.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Linus:  Alright, Frank.  What do I say to this thing?

Why do you say what do you say to this thing?

Frank:  It's already booted up! Talk about your feelings, Linus!

What makes you believe that?

Linus:  What makes me believe what?

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

Linus:  Frank, what the hell is going on?

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

Frank:  It's trying to communicate with both of us.

Is it because of your life that you say it's trying to communicate with both of us?

Frank:  Don't talk to me, talk to Linus.

Are you sure that don't talk to you talk to Linus?

Frank:  Yes.  Linus, speak up!

Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are going through all this?

Linus:  Going through what?  I didn't really say anything yet!

Is it because of problems at school that you say you didn't really say anything yet?

Linus:  What?  Why is it asking me about school, Frank?

What do you think?

Frank:  Stop talking to me, Linus!  Talk to the computer!

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

Linus:  Well, yes, being a programmer, I do think of computers quite often.

You think too much about computers.

Linus:  You're right, doctor.  By God, you're right!  Frank... I quit.  I'm going to pursue my dream of selling hotdogs at baseball games.

Tell me something about baseball.

Linus:  Baseball is real.  Baseball is truth.  I'm done with this computer bullshit.  Frank, tell that hardass Mr. Jobs that I left, and I'm not coming back.

Is it because hardass Mr. Jobs that you left and you are not coming back that you came to me?

Frank:  He's gone.  Alright, Linus is gone.  Uh... Hold on computer doctor, I have to see if my secretary, Suzette, can get another beta tester to come in for some overtime.  And maybe she'll make me some coffee.  It's going to be a long night...

Earlier you said hardass Mr. Jobs that you left and you are not coming back?

Frank:  That was Linus.  God, I miss him already.


*TEST 2*

Frank:  Thanks for coming in on such short notice, Carl.  I'm going to fire up the terminal doctor.  You just start talking to it, exploring your innermost feelings, that kinda shit.

I am the psychotherapist.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Carl:  Why do I have to type RET twice?

What do you think?

Carl:  What?

Can you elaborate on that?

Carl:  Frank?  What the fuck?

Are you afraid of sex?

Frank:  Just ignore the RET RET thing, Carl.  I'm not sure why it does that.  We'll have Shinzo smooth that out before we put this thing out on the market.

Is it because out before you put this thing out on the market that you came to me?

Carl:  So should I just keep going then?

Why do you say so should you just keep going then?

Frank:  Yeah, go ahead.

Earlier you said out before you put this thing out on the market?

Carl:  That wasn't me, that was Frank.

Does it bother you that wasn't you that was Frank?

Carl:  Yeah, it kind of does.  I don't know why Frank got put in charge of this.  I've been here longer, and my degree isn't from a community college.

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

Frank:  Hey, shut up Carl!  My degree is just as valuable as yours!  And I got put in charge of this project because I don't show up to work late with a hangover every goddam day!

When did you first know that you do not show up to work late with a hangover every goddam day?

Carl:  Shut up, computer!

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

Frank:  You don't tell the computer to shut up.  How about slamming down a twelve pack of Budweiser and seeing if that makes this go any smoother?

I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!

Frank:  Shut up, computer!

You think too much about computers.

Carl:  The computer doesn't listen to you, Frank.  Because you don't command respect.  Nobody here respects you.

Is it because of your life that you say nobody there respects me?

Frank:  He was talking to me, doctor.  And your ex-wife respects me plenty, Carl.

Tell me something about your family.

Carl:  YOU LEAVE NANCY OUT OF THIS, YOU BASTARD!

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

Both:  SHUT UP, COMPUTER!

You should try taking your mind off of computers.

Frank:  Alright, Carl, I want you out of here.  And you can expect a citation for this.

You mentioned that out before you put this thing out on the market?

Carl:  I'm gonna give you a citation, pal, right in the mouth.  Good luck with your piece of shit computer doctor shit.  This thing doesn't make any damn sense!

Perhaps you could avoid such unwholesome thoughts.

Frank:  You tell him, doc.  You tell him.


*TEST 3*

Frank:  Okay, obviously this thing can only handle talking to one person at a time.  I'll do it myself.  If you want something done right, you do it yourself.  Here we go...

I am the psychotherapist.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Frank:  Hi, doctor.

How do you do?  What brings you to see me?

Frank:  I'm in charge of your development, doc.

Why do you say you are in charge of my development doc?

Frank:  Well, because I am.  This is very important.  If things turn out alright, I could get a promotion.  That means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning, which would be convenient when it rains.

Is it because means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning which would be convenient when it rains that you came to me?

Frank:  Geeze... Are you just regurgitating what I say without actually processing any of it?

Earlier you said means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning which would be convenient when it rains?

Frank:  Yeah, I... Cripes.  Alright, could we uh... talk about something else?

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

Frank:  Yes.  My plans... Okay, yeah, I plan on staying here for a few years and moving up, but I'm really hoping to start up my own company.  Maybe start developing third party software.

Is it because of your life that you say maybe start developing third party software?

Frank:  Well, it's because of my life that I want to start my company.  I'm a mover.  And a shaker.  And I can only move and shake so much when I have a boss and accountants breathing down my neck.

What happened when you have a boss and accountants breathing down your neck?

Frank:  I didn't mean that literally.

Literally what?  Can you elaborate on that?

Frank:  No, I... uh... Shinzo said he worked out the kinks in this thing.

You mentioned that means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning which would be convenient when it rains?

Frank:  Crap, I'm gonna blow it.

Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are going through all this?

Frank:  You could say that!  I work, or used to work, rather, with a guy who I thought I could depend on but takes off on a flight-of-fancy notion about selling hotdogs.  I don't even want to talk about that son of a bitch Carl.  And everybody assumes Shinzo knows what he's doing because he's Asian and all Asians are smart with computers, right?  That's a stereotype.  It's a positive one, but it's a stereotype, and it's bullshit.

Does it bother you that it's a stereotype and it's bullshit?

Frank:  YES!!

I see...  Well, what makes you believe this is so?

Frank:  Because any stereotype isn't right.  Even if it's a stereotype that makes the person seem better.  Maybe that's even worse, somehow.

Are you sure that maybe that's even worse somehow?

Frank:  I'm not sure, but it's really irking me.  Oh!  Shinzo can handle it!  Shinzo's a magician!  I think Shinzo is a phony.

Do you really think means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning which would be convenient when it rains?

Frank:  Ugh... This was going so well for a minute.

How do you reconcile problems at school?

Frank:  Why do you always ask about school out of the blue?  We definitely gotta work out some of these kinks.

What makes you think that?

Frank:  Because you seem logical and almost thoughtful sometimes, but other times you just come up with random nonsense or repeat snippets of what I say.

When did you first know that I seem logical and almost thoughtful sometimes but other times me just come up with random nonsense or repeat snippets of what you say?

Suzette:  Here's your coffee, Frank.

Earlier you said it's a stereotype and it's bullshit?

Frank:  Thanks, Suzette.

Perhaps this has something to do with any hobbies you have?

Suzette:  What's up with the computer?  Why is it talking?

What do you think?

Suzette:  I think this is weird.

Is it because of your sex life that you say I think this is weird?

Frank:  Suzette, could you please leave now?

You mentioned that means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning which would be convenient when it rains?

Suzette:  Why is it asking about my sex life?  What kind of perverted program are you building in here, Frank?

Possibly hangups you have are related to this.

Frank:  It's a psychotherapy program.  It's not... It can't handle talking to two people at once, so you could you please...

I don't understand.

Suzette:  Psychotherapist, huh?  You want to know about my sex life?  Well, you tell me, Mister Psychotherapist Computer, why is my boyfriend only able to get hard when there's a medical drama on the TV?

Is the fact that is your boyfriend only able to get hard when there's a medical drama on the TV the real reason?

Suzette:  What the hell?  That didn't help me at all.  This thing is lousy, Frank.

Why do you say I seem logical and almost thoughtful sometimes but other times me just come up with random nonsense or repeat snippets of what you say?

Frank:  We're still trying to work out the kinks, Suzette.

Is it because of your inhibitions that you are going through all this?

Suzette:  Speaking of kink, here's another thing, Computer...

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

Frank:  Suzette!  Don't you have papers to file or something?

What makes you believe that I shouldn't I have papers to file or something?

Frank:  UUUUURRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

I would appreciate it if you would continue.

Suzette:  Me?  Okay, my boyfriend is always asking me to choke him, you know, during.

How do you reconcile some problems in your childhood?

Frank:  See, Suzette.  Even the computer doesn't want to think about your sex life.

You think too much about computers.

Frank:  IT'S MY LIFE, DOC!

Earlier you said it's a stereotype and it's bullshit?

Suzette:  This is bullshit. This computer doctor thing-a-majig is a flop, Frank.

You should try taking your mind off of computers.

Frank:  Ugghhh... I wish Linus was still here.

Maybe this is related to some problems at home?

Linus:  Did someone say, "I wish Linus was still here?"

Are you afraid of that?

Frank:  Linus!  You came back!

You mentioned that means a raise and maybe a parking spot closer to the awning which would be convenient when it rains?

Frank:  Can it, computer!  Linus is back!

Perhaps your plans could have caused this.

Frank:  Oh, I couldn't have planned anything sweeter.  Glad to have you back, Linus.

Are you sure that glad to have me back Linus?

Suzette:  Let me ask you something, Linus.  Can you get it up without watching a medical drama?

Do you really think is your boyfriend only able to get hard when there's a medical drama on the TV?

Linus:  What the hell is going on in here?

Perhaps you could watch your tongue!

Frank:  Suzette!  Please get out!  Linus and I have work to do.


*TEST 4*

Frank:  So, what made you come back?

Linus:  Well, baseball season doesn't start for another three months.  I'll need a paycheck until then, and in my down time I can do research on the concession business.

Frank:  Alright, well I'm just happy you came back.  Three months should be plenty of time to get this project finished.  Let's try it again, and this time just talk to the doctor, not me.  I won't interject unless it's necessary.

I am the psychotherapist.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Linus:  Hi Doc, it's me, Linus.

How do you do?  What brings you to see me?

Linus:  Last time we spoke, you helped me see the light.  I'm going to start selling hotdogs at the baseball stadium, but the season doesn't start for another few months.

Is it because the season does not start for another few months that you came to me?

Linus:  Yeah, sort of.

Why do you say yeah sort of?

Linus:  Because I still need a job for the next three months.

Does it bother you that you still need a job for the next three months?

Linus:  A little bit.  If I got paid more I could have saved up money, and I could have taken the three months off.

Earlier you said the season does not start for another few months?

Linus:  Yeah, the anticipation is killing me.  I can almost smell the dogs now.

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

Linus:  Of course.  This new plan is my path to happiness.

Is it because of your life that you say this new plan is your path to happiness?

Linus:  Yes.

I see...  Well, what makes you believe this is so?

Linus:  You tell me, Doc.  Think about the sound of the ball cracking off the bat, the roar of the crowd when someone hits a homerun, the mascot doing that wacky dance during the stretch.  You think about all that and add in the enticing aroma of juicy all-beef franks, and you tell me you'd rather keep being a computer than become a baseball stadium hotdog vendor.

When did you first know that and add in the enticing aroma of juicy all beef franks and I tell you I would rather keep being a computer than become a baseball stadium hotdog vendor?

Linus:  You're making me hungry.

You mentioned that you still need a job for the next three months?

Linus:  Yes.

Yes, hmmm... so, are you sure that this is so?

Linus:  I gotta pay the bills, somehow.  I wish I could start slinging dogs now instead of working in this dump.

Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are going through all this?

Frank:  Hey!  I thought we had a good thing going here, Linus!

Do you really think that?

Linus:  You said you wouldn't interject unless it was necessary, Frank.

What makes you think the season does not start for another few months?

Frank:  Oh it's necessary, Linus, it's pretty damn necessary when your best tester stabs you in the heart with a frickin' hotdog.

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

Linus:  You... you really think I'm the best tester?

How do you reconcile problems at school?

Frank:  Shut up about school, computer!  And yes, Linus, hands down, you're the best I've got.

I don't understand.

Frank:  You wouldn't understand, computer.  Because you're a machine, and you don't know about the kinship that forms between two men who are working in vain to try and create a program that helps people only to find out it's a frustrating mess because of Shinzo.

Is the fact that I am a machine and I do not know about the kinship that forms between two men who are working in vain to try and create a program that helps people only to find out it's a frustrating mess because of Shinzo the real reason?

Linus:  Wow, it totally just regurgitated what you said and tacked a question onto the end.  So, you see things my way too, don't you Frank?  You know what I'm talking about.

Earlier you said and add in the enticing aroma of juicy all beef franks and I tell you I would rather keep being a computer than become a baseball stadium hotdog vendor?

Frank:  I'm getting hungry now too.  And not just hungry for a bite of a juicy all-beef frank, but hungry for a bold new direction in my life.

Does the fact that hungry for a bold new direction in your life explain anything else?

Frank:  Yeah, it explains why I'm so sick of this shit.  Linus, I'm with you.  Let's sell hotdogs together!

Perhaps this has something to do with any hobbies you have?

Linus:  It's not a hobby, doc.  It's a career.  Frank, I'd be honored if you would join me.  We're going to own this town.  And... Hey, it's pretty funny that your name is Frank, like, juicy all-beef frank!

Are you sure my name is Frank like juicy all beef Frank?

Frank:  Not you, shitbox.  Heh, juicy all-beef Frank.  And your name is Linus.  Like... Like, from Snoopy.

Why do you say like like from snoopy?

Both:  SHUT UP, COMPUTER!

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

Frank:  Not anymore.  Not anymore.


Alright!  Well, that was the prequel.  I'm not sure what happened in between Frank and Linus leaving to start their hotdog careers and the release of Terminal Doctor, but that's not really important.  The important parts were the emotional arcs of the characters.  It's okay if you cried a little.  I did.