Monday, September 30, 2013

Salve

"Salve"
A Sketch by Baxter Pancake

The Setting:  A kitchen
The players:  A husband and wife

The husband is holding a small notebook and a pen.  The wife is sitting at the table looking at a folded-up newspaper, perhaps reading the Bridge column.  (Why do papers still run a bridge column?  Does anyone play Bridge anymore?)


HUSBAND
Spicy brown?

WIFE
What?

HUSBAND
You said you wanted mustard.  Spicy brown?  Or yellow?

WIFE
Oh.  Yeah, spicy brown.

HUSBAND
Alright.  So we've got milk, bread, tortilla chips, Italian dressing, Ranch dressing, salve, hot sau...

WIFE
Wait, salve?

HUSBAND
Yeah, that's what it says.  Salve.

WIFE
Salve for what?

HUSBAND
I don't know.  That thing on my inner thigh cleared up, so it's not for that.

WIFE
Are you sure it says salve?

HUSBAND
I don't remember writing salve, but it's right there.  Did you write that?

WIFE
That's your writing.  I think.

HUSBAND
Salve... Salve...

WIFE
Could it be...

HUSBAND
Oh wait, maybe it says Suave.

WIFE
The shampoo?

HUSBAND
Yeah, that's what you use, right?

WIFE
No, I use the one with the pro-vitamins.

HUSBAND
Oh, yeah.  And I use the one from the dollar store...

WIFE
I wanted to talk to you about that...

HUSBAND
Not now.  Not until we figure out what the salve is for.

WIFE
Well, if it might be salve, and it might be Suave, maybe it's something else entirely.

HUSBAND
Hmm... Maybe it's... Oh!  I think maybe that's just a sloppy V, not an S.  I think maybe it says Value.

WIFE
Value?  Value what?

HUSBAND
Value shrimp?  Remember when we got that value shrimp?

WIFE
Yeah.  Remember the morning after when you had violent cramps?

HUSBAND
It was worth it.

WIFE
Don't get the value shrimp.

HUSBAND
Alright, alright, we'll get the good shrimp.  I'll cross out val... Wait a minute!  It says salad!

WIFE
Salad.

HUSBAND
Yep, that's it.  I don't know why I wrote salad.  Usually I put lettuce.  But yeah, that's definitely it.  Salad.

WIFE
Okay, so what's all on there?

HUSBAND
We've got milk, bread, tortilla chips, Italian dressing, Ranch dressing, salad (stupid smirk), hot sauce, Pop-Tarts, coffee, a replacement bolt for the sex swing, and mustard.  (Pause)  Spicy brown, right?

WIFE
Right.  (Pause)  Oh, and good shrimp!

HUSBAND
(Writing)  And good shrimp.  (Reflects)  The value shrimp is such a good deal though...

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